Breaking the Cycle of Using Sex to Avoid Emotional Intimacy and SWEPT AWAY by Beth O’Leary
- Marisa Gelfand
- Apr 7
- 2 min read
Zeke grew up feeling uninteresting and stupid, like a misfit in his family. He thinks he’s only good at one thing: sex. To avoid facing the discomfort in his real life, he has sex with lots of random people. Zeke believes this physical intimacy – never with the same people, avoiding connection— will make him feel better. It does the opposite. Zeke becomes lonely. Following his roommate’s suggestion, Zeke starts therapy, where he sets rules like no sex on the first date or with someone he doesn’t want to speak with again. It helps. But Zeke’s just broken his rules; he had a one-night stand with Lexi on a houseboat that, unbeknownst to them, came unmoored overnight. Now, he’s getting a crash course in emotional intimacy while lost at sea.
Emotional intimacy is foundational to a healthy relationship. It creates space for partners to be open without fear of judgment and fosters trust and connection. In a healthy relationship, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy work in tandem, each amplifying the strengths of the other.
People who are uncomfortable sharing feelings sometimes resort to sexual intimacy alone to avoid emotional vulnerability. This may provide a temporary escape but inevitably leads to isolation and an erosion of self-esteem and self-worth, leaving people feeling profoundly lonely despite being physically intimate. Emotional intimacy is essential for closeness, long-term fulfillment, and emotional well-being in relationships.
Here are tools for breaking the cycle of using sex to avoid emotional intimacy.
Increase Self-Awareness: Reflect on your past, considering why you might shy away from emotional intimacy. What experiences or insecurities are influencing your behavior? Understanding how the patterns were formed is the first step to letting go of old habits.
Prioritize Quality Time: Spend time with people you care about and gradually reveal more of yourself. A great way to ease into connecting is by discussing shared values, passions, or goals.
Build Trust: Ask people you care about how you can support them. When you would appreciate help, say it. Combining (1) showing others’ support plus (2) leaning on them strengthens trust and deepens connection.
Love Beth O'Leary? Me too. Check out my post on Grounding Techniques and THE FLATSHARE by Beth O'Leary.
