Gary’s mom believed he had a guardian angel. Throughout childhood, Gary survived many close calls. He always escaped unscathed, whether breaking into a tiger enclosure at the zoo or falling into farm equipment. Yet, despite all the brushes with death, the only thing that left a mark on him was the night his friends died—a trauma that haunted him.
Following this tragedy, the intrusive thoughts only eased when he was with his girlfriend, then later wife, Kismet. When she was with him, Gary was at peace; the thoughts and feelings that otherwise haunted him were dormant. The contrast between his calm when they were together and his turmoil when he was alone was unsettling, causing Gary to become emotionally dependent on Kismet.
Emotional dependence is when a person feels unable to manage their feelings without relying on someone else. When the other person is present and providing support, the emotionally dependent person feels validated and protected, experiencing a sense of calm they believe they are unable to access independently. The relief found in the other person’s presence can feel addictive, creating a belief that being with the other person is the most efficient way to fix the emotionally dependent person’s internal struggles.
Over time, the emotionally dependent person increasingly relies on the other person to regulate their emotions. This relationship pattern is unstable for both people.
Here are tools to decrease emotional dependence:
Decode Signals: Your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are powerful indicators of your wants, needs, and preferences. Pay attention to these messages, allowing them to guide your understanding of yourself.
Learn to Support Yourself: Building a trusting relationship with yourself is essential. Once you’ve mastered decoding signals, prioritize independently fulfilling the needs you’ve discovered. Empower yourself to be your own source of care.
Take Responsibility: You are the author of every decision you make. Remember that empowerment comes from independence and that overly relying on others often means seeking an external solution to internal problems.