Emily is accustomed to putting others first. Highly organized and incredibly capable, she seamlessly takes on responsibilities such as managing her brother’s pie shop when he’s away, organizing classrooms for her fellow teachers, and comforting her siblings in the wake of their parents’ deaths. Helping others achieve their dreams has become not only her main goal but also her defining trait. Despite her deep love for supporting those around her, Emily struggles to accept help and rarely allows herself to show emotional vulnerability.
When helping others, Emily overdoes it.
Helping others can be a wonderful thing, but when taken to extremes, it can become a sign of people-pleasing, controlling behavior, and perfectionism. Overdoing it can manifest in offering excessive advice, feeling compelled to act when others are in need without being asked, or struggling to ask for help oneself.
There are various reasons why people may overextend themselves in helping others. For Emily, this behavior developed after her parents’ death, when she felt responsible for her siblings' emotional well-being. For others, it might be driven by a desire to project superiority, compensate for feelings of inferiority, or conceal the shame associated with needing care themselves.
Here are tools to shift from overhelping to empowering others.
Seek Balance: It's natural to want to help others, but it's important to respect boundaries. Avoid offering more help than they want or in ways that drain you.
Consider the Motive: Before stepping in to help, ask yourself: Did they request help? Will offering assistance lead to resentment, either from you or them? Am I helping out of fear that they won’t love me or think I’m good enough if I don’t?
Empower Others: One of the greatest gifts you can give is showing confidence in someone’s abilities. Avoid taking over; instead, allow others the space to shine in their own way.
Invite Loved Ones In: As Sarah Adams wrote in her acknowledgments, "You’re encouraged to let someone sit with you in the darkness. No one should face scary feelings alone. You are loved, you are brave, and you are strong—keep going, dear reader."
Love Sarah Adams? Me too. Check out my post on Coping with Dyslexia and THE RULE BOOK by Sarah Adams.