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Understanding Projection and SLOW DANCE by Rainbow Rowell


Cover of the book Slow Dance by Rainbow Rowell used to teach the therapy concept of projecting.

Cary and Shiloh have been friends forever. Back in high school, they were the kind of friends who were attached at the hip and secretly harboring crushes on each other. Unfortunately, their feelings were so enormous that they accidentally hurt each other deeply, causing a 14-year rift. Even though Cary and Shiloh didn’t talk during this time, they regularly thought about each other.

 

Shiloh thought she was too much for Cary. Even when it seemed like a relationship could blossom, she felt he needed an out from being with her and worried he didn’t love her. So, whenever Cary confessed his romantic feelings - as vaguely and imperfectly as young people speak of such things - Shiloh misunderstood and thought he was breaking up with her.

 

Cary, similarly, had reservations. He thought he didn’t have enough to offer Shiloh, and she wouldn’t want her stable life attached to his nomadic reality. Even when Shiloh told Cary she loved him, he thought she meant something like, “I love you right now while you’re in front of me, but otherwise, I don’t care.”

 

Shiloh and Cary were insecure, scared, and ashamed. Instead of confronting these feelings head-on, they used the defense mechanism of projection, ultimately denying themselves true love. 

 

Projection is the unconscious process of assigning to another the thoughts and concerns in one's mind. For example, if someone believes they lack intelligence, they may think, “ My friend thinks I’m stupid.” Understanding projection is important because projection impacts people’s sense of self, and those who project find it affects their relationships.

 

Here are tips to avoid projecting your feelings:

 

Own Your Feelings: Projection is more likely to occur when you are in denial of your feelings. Recognize and process your emotions to avoid projecting them onto others.  

 

Interview Your Thoughts: Ask, “Is that truly their belief or my thought / feeling / concern?” Back up the answer with concrete data and an open conversation.

 

Boost Your Self-Compassion: No one is perfect. Accepting your imperfections and loving yourself reduces the presence and projection of negative feelings.

 

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